Chapter 22: Raising Children (The ABCD Identity)

Your children will not be “Indians living in America.” They will be Americans.

22.1. The ABCD Identity

ABCD: American Born Confused Desi. This is a label often given to children of immigrants. But they aren’t confused; the parents are.

The children understand America perfectly. They speak the language, they know the jokes, and they share the “Individual OS.”
The Conflict: Parents want the child to be “Indian” at home (respectful, obedient, religious) and “American” at school (confident, competitive, outspoken). This “Double Life” is a major source of mental health struggle for diaspora youth.

22.2. Parenting Styles

Tiger Parenting: Desi parents often push their kids into Medicine or Engineering. They focus on Grades.
American Parenting: Focuses on “Self-Esteem,” “Happiness,” and “Sports/Hobbies.”
When your child wants to be a Writer or a Chef instead of a Surgeon, how will you react? In America, “Passion” is the highest virtue. In India, “Security” is.

22.3. Dating and Modernity

This is the biggest shock for Indian parents. Your children will want to Date.

In India, “Dating” is often a prelude to marriage. In America, it’s a way of “Testing” different personalities.
Your children will likely date people who aren’t Indian, aren’t Hindu/Muslim/Sikh, and don’t share your values. If you try to control this through guilt, you will lose your children.

Practical Takeaway for the Indian: Accept that your children are “Trans-Cultural.” They are the bridge between your past and their future. If you want them to love your culture, show them the Beauty of it (the food, the music, the warmth), not the Burden of it (the rules, the guilt, the pressure).